Day 70: Raw

I wasn’t looking for love. I didn’t know what I wanted in a man. I didn’t even know well about myself.

He liked me. I liked him. We stayed together. As we grew, we kept each other company. We genuinely cared for each other deeply and became a family. We were young lovers.

He loved me for me and I loved him for him. Nothing else. Two bare souls and love.

 

I always have been all about self-growth and discovery. I don’t know anything else but living the life to the fullest.

I continued learning and growing and eventually entered a new state. There were going to be even more learning and growing ahead of me in my path. I couldn’t be more excited. Life is about experiences and sharing moments with loved ones make the journey worthwhile. I couldn’t wait to do all that with him.

Unfortunately, our perspectives had differences. From his angle, he couldn’t see what I wanted for us. As a result, he didn’t feel the need to get going. It would have been surely comfortable and easy, but we were too young. We had too much energy and potentials to stop and drop everything right here.Β  It was just a beginning for me. I wanted us to start running. But he was good where he was. He wanted me to sit next to him. I killed me watching him being so happy sitting where he was when we can be so much happier together after going further. I tried everything I can do to guide, encourage, convince him, but it didn’t work. I started disliking how we sounded. How we looked soon became unrecognizable. My heart was torn into a million pieces. It was certainly my spot next to him. I was even tempted to sit down with him just to be with him. But I couldn’t. As much as I loved him, I loved myself and my family, too. My family! My family alone was enough for me to continue and excel.

I had to go. I wanted him in my journey so dearly, but it seemed like my itinerary was much longer than his. I clinched my teeth tightly and continued marching on my own with the tear-soaked face leaving his voice behind me.

 

We remained as very good friends. I can’t believe that it’s been almost two years ago since we split.

Today he wondered about a possibility of the long distance relationship.

What am I looking for? Why can’t I be enough with the love that is nothing but genuine and as deep as the ocean? Even though it is hurting him and myself too, why am I keeping running away and continue searching? I am asking this frigging same question that I had asked myself years ago when I wanted to move out while we were together to myself now after getting over the breakup and seeing other people.

I haven’t met anyone who would be the “ideal” as close as he has been. But then I haven’t really met many and have not actively looked to find anyone yet (while he has) and he hasn’t changed so much, either. So basically he hasn’t moved since I left. He says he has, but it appears to be some steps, not miles. But is it even important? Do I walk back to meet him again? Is it a walking back? Do I slow down so that he can catch up? Do I keep going with the same pace? Am I just making a detour? Was I heading somewhere? My head is overheated.

I was not asking him to help me. I just wanted him to do his part. I am more than willing to help, but a constant leading of only one side is not fair and also counter-productive. I just wanted us to do our own part and be capable of helping each other when needed. But in order to do so, we needed to have the same destination, same goals.

Who would be the ideal partner to go on our life journey? When do we listen to our heart, when do we slow down and when do we excel?

 

Confused but trying to be more grateful. I am grateful that I have experienced the true love.

I just don’t want to regret. I want to live the full life and a meaningful life that I will be so proud of.

I’m sure my life will happen exactly the way that would be best for me. It is just not easy to see it when I am in the middle of it.

 

November 2015

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It didn’t mean that I didn’t love you.

I had to go.

and I wanted you to come with me.

Couldn’t get you up.

Sorry.

 

A note and a drawing from last year.

I still feel the same way.

 

 

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